The quicksand of darkness drowns me in my own pain; the more I swim the more I sink. The more I panic, the closer I become to destruction. My visions of perfection pull me deeper into destruction as I continue to reach for this illusion, never realizing that it was dragging me down.
I began to see the sun again once I discovered the pain behind the illusion of perfection and the dangers of chasing mirages in the desert.
I can’t remember who mentioned this to me first, but I remember being reminded of an ideology on Instagram. One of my favorite singers (and imaginary big brother), Chris Brown, posted, “be a good person but don’t waste time trying to prove it.” It was then that I took a step back from myself and stared into my soul, realizing that I was expelling so much energy trying to prove that I was a man of integrity, instead of just living my values. Dangerous.
The danger arises when we become people of integrity for praise from others. Even if its not praise we seek, acceptance can be the drug in this equation as well.
In a hidden effort to have a sold out wedding and funeral, we use every moment of the day to appear to “do the right thing”. Especially if you’re like me and have grown up in the church, it was kind of embedded in us to be based in love with a side of “way f*****g too nice”. It’s exhausting.
Chasing an image rather than a smile, we are driven by keeping our exteriors tidy while we rot on the inside. It’s exhausting.
I’m realizing that no one has it all figured out. I’m realizing that everyone has demons that they are trying to keep quiet. Everyone has a past that they’re running from and a future that they are scared of.
I’m realizing that perfection is not only an illusion but a drug with slowly murderous side-effects.
Perfection is not even a dream, it’s a death sentence. Living the most integrity-based version of ourselves is the only “perfection” we should chase, falling in love with everything that makes us imperfect along the way. Standing tall on our morals and beliefs creates a life that is well worth the stay. That’s the only “perfection” I seek.